I LOVE YOU GOODBYE

I LOVE YOU GOODBYE.

2 years ago.. I loved someone whole heartedly and hated him at the same time after wards. When I was with him.. I felt lucky, i felt safe, i felt loved by the guy that i was madly in love with.

3 months of enjoying each other's company, I felt so grateful having such an awesome bf. He's like a total package. LOL well not really but you know he's sweet, nice, gentleman, funny, caring.

By the 4th month.. he started ignoring me & avoiding me. He wasn't returning my calls, my text message and my PM messages. There were days when he write shits on his msn screen name and I knew exactly it's for me. Honestly? They were very painful. Each word he typed down on his screen made me feel miserable. There weren't anything I can do but sit there and wonder what did I do wrong. I was totally lost that time because our relationship was very blur and he won't try to talk to me about it.

One day I wrote in my msn screen name, "071905 do you remember that?" (something like that) and he replied, [*TAKE NOTE: it through msn screen name ha!] "it's over!" I stared at my msn.. with all those negative feelings & thoughts floating inside my head. I was totally confused, angry, sad.. basta negative feelings. I was soo angry at him for acting like that. I hated him so much after that day.

I remember myself crying in my sleep for months. Was so depressed & miserable those times. I've always question Daddy why would he leave me hanging there alone without any explanation.

Months and months passed by.. I slowly learned to stand up and leave those things behind. I can't let myself be miserable for my entire life and cry for a guy who left me hanging. PLus I don't deserve him after all the things he did to me.

I moved on!:)

Then yesterday.. i talked to his one of his best friend (i think) and his friend said, "he said that he enjoyed his time when you guys went to the beach". Awwwww. Flattered akoo. Hehe even if after all those times diba? But yeah I know he had fun kasi I made his dream (as in dream you know when you're sleeping you get dreams?) come true. Birthday ko ata un tas nag beach daw kami.. and we did it. :) hehe. - DAMN! those times!

Anyways.. i've been thinking about those questions that I've been asking Daddy for a very long time. I've always wonder WHY? would he leave me.

Then I was watching Nina's concert yesterday night before I sleep and there was this song called, "I LOVE YOU GOODBYE" and it did really hit me. I repeated the song and listened to the lyrics carefully...

*NOTE: every words in this song is so meaningful. really.

NINA - I LOVE YOU GOODBYE

Wish i could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish i could say to you

That i'll always stay with you
But baby that's not me
You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that's something i can't do

Oh i could say that i'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know i'd only hurt you
I know i'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

I hope someday you can find some way to understand i'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart i know this is the kindest thing to do
You'll find someone who'll be the one that i could never be
Who'll give you something better
Than the love you'll find with me
Oh i could say that i'll be all you need
But that would be a crime
I know i'd only hurt you
I know i'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as i love you

Oh i don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But i'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Baby, its never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye

I was so surprise and somehow understand it parin that maybe that's why he left me hanging alone because he knew that if i wait for him too long it won't work. I might be wrong though but still I thank Daddy and also him for doing it what's right even if it hurt him so much. =(

It's amazing really how God still answers your prayers after years noh? Imagine 2 years of me begging him to tell me WHY WHY WHY? did it happen.. and now that I'm okay with life and his memories doesn't really hunt me anymore.. God still gave me the answer. :)

I love you Daddy! =*

invisible.

Invisible

I was lying on my bed this afternoon and I couldn't help but think how my life is now. I have been ignoring the questions floating in my head for months because I don't want to be weak, I don't want to confuse myself. But this time.. now that i'm a little bit free from school.. those questions again has been coming back.

I'd be lying if I say that my new year which is the first day of 2007 was great because it wasn't. I didn't enjoy that night. I remember I was sitting in front of the computer chatting with people who were enjoying themselves on that night with their loved ones, friends, and etc while I was sitting down wondering how my life will turn this time because I remember clearly last year, 2006 was a roller coaster for me. It was hella crazy that's for sure.

This year had been a roller coaster for me too but not so crazy than last year but this time I didn't really get attach with the "love relationships" because.. I don't know. Well.. i know because I don't want to have a boyfriend when I'm leaving in the mid of July and you know there'll be another problem for me when I go Philippines so better yet just maybe wait until the time comes. Hehe. Plus I don't know if I am ready to get back to being in love because you know it's easy to fall in love but it's hard to stand up again after having your heart broken. I've learned a lot from the previous years, or months.. I think Daddy just want me to enjoy my time and just wait until my prince charming comes.

As you know my friends relationship has been... up side down. Well we're all okay now but I don't know I have this feeling that I can't trust them & I can't act the real me not unless I pretend to me someone else but I don't like it. I don't want to be LIKED for who I am not.

But you know.. when I was lying down on my bed, thinking.. if I'm the one who changed not them. Maybe I was feeling very insecure those time that's why I thought they're talking about us behind our backs.

Sometimes I can't help myself but to just cry to think that I'm leaving soon and the only people I want to be with for my remaining days are my friends. My friends who I've been with ever since the first time I stepped off on that gate of my school, HKMA David Li Kwok Po College. Although there's a lot of things that happened already to mee they're still my friends and I've always loved to hang out with them. But now.. i don't know anymore. I want to feel the same but I just can't. I don't like the feeling being around with people that I feel uncomfortable with.

Now thinking that I have 3 remaining weeks left, I can't help thinking if I can change pa and try to fix everything before I leave or not because I really want to hang out with them again. I want to feel that even if those hard times we've been through, I still had some friends who loved me and accepted me for who I am.

Everyday I feel bad for not having the same feelings as I used to have with my friends. I also feel like I'm left out. I feel like since I'm leaving they're acting like I'm not there anymore. I feel like I better be away and leave to Philippines as soon as I can because I don't feel my friends being there for me anymore.

Hay.. I feel so sad now. I can't continue this. ='(

excited.

Life is full of mysterious surprises.

I wonder how my life will be when I step into my next chapter of life...

[ Next chapter will be on July 27th.:) ]

I can't wait.
♥