invisible.

Invisible

I was lying on my bed this afternoon and I couldn't help but think how my life is now. I have been ignoring the questions floating in my head for months because I don't want to be weak, I don't want to confuse myself. But this time.. now that i'm a little bit free from school.. those questions again has been coming back.

I'd be lying if I say that my new year which is the first day of 2007 was great because it wasn't. I didn't enjoy that night. I remember I was sitting in front of the computer chatting with people who were enjoying themselves on that night with their loved ones, friends, and etc while I was sitting down wondering how my life will turn this time because I remember clearly last year, 2006 was a roller coaster for me. It was hella crazy that's for sure.

This year had been a roller coaster for me too but not so crazy than last year but this time I didn't really get attach with the "love relationships" because.. I don't know. Well.. i know because I don't want to have a boyfriend when I'm leaving in the mid of July and you know there'll be another problem for me when I go Philippines so better yet just maybe wait until the time comes. Hehe. Plus I don't know if I am ready to get back to being in love because you know it's easy to fall in love but it's hard to stand up again after having your heart broken. I've learned a lot from the previous years, or months.. I think Daddy just want me to enjoy my time and just wait until my prince charming comes.

As you know my friends relationship has been... up side down. Well we're all okay now but I don't know I have this feeling that I can't trust them & I can't act the real me not unless I pretend to me someone else but I don't like it. I don't want to be LIKED for who I am not.

But you know.. when I was lying down on my bed, thinking.. if I'm the one who changed not them. Maybe I was feeling very insecure those time that's why I thought they're talking about us behind our backs.

Sometimes I can't help myself but to just cry to think that I'm leaving soon and the only people I want to be with for my remaining days are my friends. My friends who I've been with ever since the first time I stepped off on that gate of my school, HKMA David Li Kwok Po College. Although there's a lot of things that happened already to mee they're still my friends and I've always loved to hang out with them. But now.. i don't know anymore. I want to feel the same but I just can't. I don't like the feeling being around with people that I feel uncomfortable with.

Now thinking that I have 3 remaining weeks left, I can't help thinking if I can change pa and try to fix everything before I leave or not because I really want to hang out with them again. I want to feel that even if those hard times we've been through, I still had some friends who loved me and accepted me for who I am.

Everyday I feel bad for not having the same feelings as I used to have with my friends. I also feel like I'm left out. I feel like since I'm leaving they're acting like I'm not there anymore. I feel like I better be away and leave to Philippines as soon as I can because I don't feel my friends being there for me anymore.

Hay.. I feel so sad now. I can't continue this. ='(